Dear Suzy:

My son will be 18 this year and he wants to move to LA to dance. I don't even know where to begin. Is he too young? Where are safe neighborhoods? How does he get an agent? Does he need one? Can he get a regular job and still audition? How much are living expenses? Does he need a car? Help!

Megan

Suzy's Response:

Wow. That's a lot of questions... and they're only the tip of the iceberg. There are so many unknowns, and it's a big deal to send our babies out of the nest into a big crazy city.

Well, the good news is, he's not alone. LA is a very livable city, where he'll have tons of 18 year old entry-level industry peers. 18 is legal for most leases and contracts, but whether 18 is mature enough varies from dancer to dancer. If you feel he isn't, (or even if you feel he is,) it's time to help with some real reality checks ... a sobering experience. I know one wonderful dance mom who sat with her kid at the computer and said, "Okay, let's look at rent prices. You want to live in a studio Apartment? Look, here's one for $950 a month. Let's see at minimum wage, that'd be 95 hours a month, how many hours would that be a week? Great, about 22... so if you work 4 or 5 hours a day 5 days a week, you can cover rent, that's awesome. Now, let's talk utilities, dance classes, groceries, car insurance and gas!" Gah! In the end, this particular mom ended up negotiating what she'd cover and for how long, but the idea of being responsible for bills is a shocker we don't realize till we have to pay them.

Have a good talk about the danger of getting lost in a partying scene. It happens and it's tragic. There are some great A4D articles about this listed below. Talk about needing to remember why he's there, possibly help him make a goal plan - there are guidelines on A4D for this also. Honestly, you can find an encyclopedia of information to arm him with on this site, stuff he truly needs to know. So you're in the right place.

I think the best option, if possible, is to go on a reconnaissance mission with him. Feeling out a place for a few days is the best way to put your mind at ease, and help him feel it's not a huge unknown when he actually makes the move. Of course, he likely won't want to be seen with you (it's not you, it's him!), but if you share a hotel room, you'll have debriefing time after a day of parallel researching. Or, help him plan a reconnaissance mission on his own.

I'm going to try to be brief in the rest of my answers, but believe me, I could go on for days. Let us know if you want more detailed answers on anything.

Where are safe neighborhoods? I personally think the Valley is the way to go - particularly Studio City and the better parts of North Hollywood. It's right over the hill from Hollywood, and rents are affordable. It's very Hip Neighborhood-y with little enclaves of coffeehouses, theaters, and restaurants. It's a great mix of families and young people in the industry.

How does he get an agent? Each agency has open auditions that are posted on A4D. He should read up on all the related articles as well.

Does he need one? It can't hurt! Dancers do and can have careers without an agent through open calls and recommendations, but if he can get signed, he has a built in career counselor, industry guide, and hotline. Plus closed auditions and the knowledge that someone believes in him.

Can he get a regular job and still audition? Most newbies have to. The best option is flexible hour jobs. There are a lot of brilliant actors serving your latte and mixing your martini. Waiting tables is a good standard gig; part-time retail too. They manage to find a way to get to the auditions somehow, though it can be stressful time-management at times.

How much are living expenses? My wonderful Mom gave me a lifetime worth of good advice, and one guideline was if possible, you should earn in one week what you pay in rent for one month. Obviously, that's not always possible for our young hopefuls, but it's a good goal financially. And back at the reality check, make sure they know how to budget, balance the checkbook, and save!

Does he need a car? That's easy. YES. It's LA.

Here are a boatload of A4D pages you need to read. Do it. I promise, they will talk you off the ledge! 

More Tools 4 Parents

Dear Suzy,

My daughter is frustrated at her studio. She feels her teachers don't see her potential, that she doesn't get cast in the 'good' dances, that she doesn’t get enough attention. Dance is her passion, and it breaks my heart to see her frustrated and disappointed. How can I help her?

Joan

Suzy's Response

Dear Joan,

As a dancer Mom myself, I feel your pain. Watching your kid go through something that diminishes her … let’s face it, it just plain s##ks! We feel helpless, angry even. I'm proud of you for seeking ideas and answers.

My first piece of advice is for your daughter to ask her teachers what they need her to work on. To let them know it’s important to her, that she wants to get better, and needs their guidance as to how. This not only gives her a roadmap for what she needs to be working on; it also shows the teachers she means business, and gives them a larger personal investment in her growth.
It's also possible to arrange a private conference with her company director, or individual teachers. Easy, right? The hard part might be getting your daughter onboard for that. Assure her it can be confidential, she can do it alone, or with you, or you can have a parent/teacher meeting. The purpose of the meeting is the same; to get concrete guidance on how she can reach her goals of recognition, inclusion, and direction.

There's also always the option of switching studios. That decision should only be made after a great deal of reflection and research; I recommend having a meeting with her teachers and see how it goes before making that big a move. If you do find a different studio would suit her better, leave with integrity, acknowledgement, and gratitude. No need for drama.

Finally, have a look at DTW/Stephanie Scull, and DTW/Michelle West on A4D; see how two pro dancers dealt with discouraging mentors. Let us know how it goes!

Any other dedicated Dancer Moms or Dads want to pipe in with things that have worked for them?

Dear Suzy,

My daughter didn’t get promoted to advanced company this year, but all her friends did. She is devastated. What can I tell her to help?

- Gina

Suzy's Response

Hi Gina. I know many kids who have gone through this challenge. It’s especially hard because they’re so sensitive at this age, and what their friends think is so important to them.

Years ago, a girl in a company I choreograph for had this exact problem. Kelly was kept back for 3 reasons:

1 – The director felt she wasn’t quite emotionally mature enough to handle the older group. She was a giggler, and easily distracted.

2 – A group of raw newbies were coming in to replace the kids who were moving up, and they needed a strong dancer in with them – to up the company’s game, and someone for the newbies to look up to.

3 – And the most important one – they felt she could grow more in a group she would stand out in, rather than one she got lost in. In choreo, I could really push her, even feature her, rather than have her get lost in the shuffle.

That was Kelly’s year. She exploded. Given the chance to be the oldest in the group, she became a leader rather than a distracted young giggler. Her confidence and drive were on ortho-grow. She shined in all her dances, and became a studio superstar. By mid-year when she became a senior apprentice, she was out-performing almost everyone.

Kelly is one of only 2 dancers from that crop who has gone on to a phenomenal professional career. That experience solidified a drive in her; she learned how to summon her personal power and tackle a challenge, as well as becoming a compassionate role model and team player.

Did she grow more because she had to fight for it? Because she was able to get more teacher attention in the younger group? Was it because she flourished as a leader rather than a follower? Because she gained more confidence being the advanced dancer in the group? Because she was no longer one of her same old dance gang, but an individual finding her own voice? Probably a combination of all of these things and more.

There’s a hallmark card that says “Bloom where you’re planted.” I believe your daughter can do just that, if she makes this her paradigm.

Kelly had the courage and smarts to ask for a meeting with the director, which I strongly advise. Set it up, either with your daughter, or for her; have her ask what she needs to work on to get to the next level. This shows she's onboard and means business, as well as giving a concrete strategy to reach her goal. It also makes her someone to watch, not someone who gets lost in the crowd.

Keep in mind, sometimes these decisions are influenced by competition age averages, which determine what age range the group as a whole competes at. Sometimes they’re made because the director wants strong dancers in each company, or a smaller group so she can focus on individuals.

Gina, I didn’t start dancing till I was 19, (which is like 40 in dancer years.) In classes I was the weakest link in, I left discouraged, depressed, frustrated, and self-doubting…. But in classes I was at the higher end, I left joyful, excited, hopeful, hungry, and proud. In my case, level 3 classes made me a far better dancer than level 4 classes too soon ever could have. Perhaps this will be true for your daughter as well.

I‘ve actually seen several young dancers promoted too early turn from confident, sparkling performers into quiet, internal careful dancers, afraid to stand out. Of course, the opposite can happen too; it’s really an individual journey. Accordingly, as it is so many times in life, the important thing is Communication.

Dear Suzy,

My daughter is on a very good competition team, but the cost of these things is breaking the bank. With the hotels, gas, entrance fees, costumes, company fees, competition swag, and meals while we're there, we're spending about $700 to $1,000 per competition weekend. (And that's not counting the trips to the mall afterward!) Any tips?

Amanda

Suzy's Response:

Oh Amanda, I feel you girl! My own dance daughter is 16, so I get everything you're saying (especially the mall part.)

You probably already take advantage of many tips I can give you - getting the special convention rates at the hotels, room-sharing, ride-sharing, self-parking vs. valet, fast food or groceries over room service, and pre-set $ limits on swag. (And the mall part, definitely pre-set there!)

Make sure you're members of all the hotel rewards programs; most of them give points for meals and even cocktails bought at the hotel. (Hey, Mommy needs fun too.) Once in a blue moon you can find a cheaper hotel rate online from Orbitz, Travelocity, etc., but it's rare. If you miss the window for the special convention rate, the AAA rate and AARP rate are usually close to that price. We've tried staying at separate, more affordable hotels, but it's such a schlep (as well as a social bummer for your dancer) that I've crossed that tactic off the list for us.

The main thing I have to offer is more a paradigm than a strategy. The way I see it, these events are a much-needed and magical opportunity to spend quality time with my busy, not-often-into-me teenager. The drive can be so bonding, whether we're talking, or just sharing a space. At night after the competition, sometimes she actually shares about some of the things we've just seen. And sharing a hotel room gives us so many chances for simple hang-out time where she can't kick me out of her room! I have come to think of these competitions as costly but priceless mini-vacations with my daughter, and cherish each moment. Once they graduate high school, we won't have these kids for weekends like these, where we get to see them shine onstage, interact with their friends, and be her Mom in a context where everyone's Mom is there. So I say cherish every second. And don't spend too much at the mall.

ANOTHER STAFFER (Nancy Dann) OFFERS UP THE WAY SHE MANAGED CONVENTION COSTS.

My savings when Emily was competing:

I taught myself how to sew her solo costumes. It only took about 1 yard of fabric for $10-$15 for most costumes and a ton of glue for crystal embellishments. I started out making practice costumes and had my daughter wear them in dance class to 'test' them. Before I was confident enough to create the entire costume, I would order a costume 'base' from the seamstress and then do all the finishing work myself.

Emily started her own little business... she stenciled notecards and sold them in packs of eight and people knew they were supporting a young dancer. The money she earned was earmarked for dance expenses.

Some planning can really save money. We always packed food from home, tons of water, brought a cooler and kept food cold with the hotel ice. We toted small cereal boxes, yogurts, snacks, paper goods and granola bars. We bought milk once we arrived at the hotel from a local convenience store. The night before we left for the venue/hotel, we would get bagels and cream cheese for the early morning ride. (We'd save money by not staying overnight the day before a competition. It meant very early morning driving, but the savings were worth it.)

For dinner, we'd order in from local restaurants. We saved so much money by eating in our hotel room and drinking the water we packed. The front desk of the hotel always has menus from local restaurants.

Investing in lessons and competition fees were the expenses that were set, but the miscellaneous expenses on the road can really be controlled by planning ahead.